Tuesday, July 16, 2013

project refuge.

Yesterday, I made the announcement on Facebook about closing the doors on Project Refuge. It's been a roller coaster year and making the decision to no longer pursue my Dad's organization was one of the toughest of my life. There were a lot of reasons why I chose to shut it down, the most practical being the fact that there was no one to lead the organization back home in Milwaukee and also the lack of operating funds. Somehow things just did not materialize the way they needed to to really launch. But there are other, more difficult to sum up reasons. I've been honest over here about grief and the murky mess that it makes of things, and this whole Project Refuge situation was probably the prime example of that. There was a lot of emotion attached to taking over my Dad's organization and it made wading through the grieving process even more difficult. There was also the problem of deadlines, which under the best of circumstances tend to be tough for me, but with the weight of my Dad's death and the pain in my family, not to mention my husband's absence due to deployment, I was in way over my head in stress and anxiety. 

It was such a bittersweet decision to close the doors. On the one hand, it feels like I lost another piece of my Dad. And if I'm being honest, I haven't really processed that completely. I guess there's time for that. On the other hand, though, it was such an enormous, relieving weight off my shoulders. You know that feeling when you don't know it, but you suddenly realize you've been clenching your jaw or holding your breath and you finally relax? Yea. That first week I made the decision felt a lot like that. 

In a lot of ways, I don't really have anything figured out. I'm back to square one when it comes to knowing which direction my life is going, where my career is headed (I really thought I was going to take Project Refuge on for the long haul), and how to navigate my grieving and my family's grief. But for the first time, I feel an incredible peace and a sense of confidence in feeling like I don't need to have any of it figured out just yet. I can just be for a while. 

I really meant it when I said on Facebook and in my letter to my donors that I am taking this season for rest. Like, pure, unadulterated rest. I have very few obligations on my plate right now and that's intentional. It's a new feeling for me and I plan to continue to process, in part, here in this space. Thanks as always for coming along as I do. 

1 comment:

  1. Supporting you all the way miss Cari! So happy to hear that you are feeling a new sense of peace- what a blessing. Will be praying for you as you navigate this new place of rest.